Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
