I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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