Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
