yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
