I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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