my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
