I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
