I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
