You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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