They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
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And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
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Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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