she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
