Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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