I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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