I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
