I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
