I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
