Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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