Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
