Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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