Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
