The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
