Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
