cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
