Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
