Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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