are you still at the devil's house?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
