whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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