I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
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My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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