my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
