Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
