U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
