you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
