I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
