i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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