take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
