hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
