Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
