You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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