So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
