the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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