I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
