ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
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Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
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Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot