i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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