Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
