I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
