Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
