Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Randomize
