I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
