Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
