so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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