my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
