This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
worst night to have a conscience
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
