in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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